Vlad and The Donald are obviously no longer BFFs. A quick review of their actions during the past 24 hours in Syria proves that the two are at odds. It isn’t quite clear what proof we have that the two leaders were ever close, but now it’s crystal clear: The marriage is over, and they intend to fight for the marital property, Syria. Oh, what a prize — to dominate Assad and the ISIS Caliphate, all in the middle of one gigantic desert territory. WOW!

trump putin fishing

Trump and Putin in happier times on a fishing trip. Vlad managed to out-fish Trump 100 fish to 0, despite having his back to the water and fishing on dry land.

It doesn’t seem to matter what their relationship was prior to the election (probably just a bunch of trashy locker-room talk). However, according to the media, the two courted one another through the election in an effort to prevent Hillary from winning. You see, Putin grew tired of the fabulous uranium deal he was getting from Secretary Clinton. Instead, he preferred dancing with The Donald without nuclear ingredients. After all, fixing an election would be a bust, but it was on his bucket list — so what the heck! Besides, Vlad and The Donald could share World Dominance.

A quick recap of the relationship between the two leaders will remind the reader of a serialzed, article-driven romance novel: Pages upon pages that paint a picturesque, smoky courtship between the two leaders that eventually resulted in an election-season engagement with a lifetime of dreams in the works.

After the election, the two planned a gorgeous ceremony to confirm their nuptial relationship as the two — along with their respective countries — became one. We would patiently wait to learn which leader would have the dominant role. We would try to anticipate the outcome based on the interviews each leader had with Megyn Kelly, but that, too, would be expecting too much, as both leaders only gained greater notoriety by mocking her on national TV. Both men even made her feel as if she came out ahead.

The Trump-Putin relationship was obviously a strain on Trump’s marriage to Melania.

According to anonymous sources, the leaders continued making plans for some time after the election. They decided that they would need a location they could call theirs since neither one felt that the other would feel comfortable in Washington, D.C. or Moscow. The only reasonable solution would be to evict Santa Claus from the North Pole. The décor is fabulously eccentric; they could beef up Santa’s magic with technology, and the location would make the perfect perch. They could see everything.

You might ask: What happens to Canada and that cute Prime Minister Justin Trudeau? Well, Justin might have a hard time giving up the North Pole. Although Justin and Vlad have never really agreed to who really owns the North Pole, Justin still uses it as his romantic getaway to see his old flame, Obama.

The two just can’t seem to move on. This was evident in The Great Handshake Wars of 2017, when Justin visited The Donald.

Now, of course, everyone would want to pull Justin in closer. Sources say he even smells like maple-smoked back bacon, but Justin was having none of that! After all, Obama was still watching. The result was an awkward handshake war between Canada and the U.S., with the only winner being Syria, as no bombs got dropped in a show of force. Which means both Vlad and The Donald have been saving those bombs for a long, long, time — just in case of a breakup.

Outside interference is never good for a relationship. Despite dreams of a golden empire, Trump and Putin’s is no different. Nosey FBI agents, the CIA, inquisitive congressmen, special attorneys — the pressure was too much, and the two are headed for a separation. But it won’t be in some civil courtroom; it will be on the battlefield in Syria. Already, this week, the two leaders are rolling up their sleeves and showing their military muscle right over Syria. Putin is even engaging in a little trash talk to make the duel a little more interesting and keep the world guessing as to who will blow up ISIS and claim Syria. If it is Putin, will he stop there or turn this split into a worldwide disaster all before the special counsel decides where “there” is or if “there” is a “there”?

Satire by Matthews and Murphy